hi my name is school and i make you nervous!

here i go again hope for the best day ever!

hi…. again….. just another a moment in my life that i wanted to share!

Its funny how even though i’m in a bad place in my relationship with God i still dont need a reason to believe in him other then i just DO……….

so i meet someone amazing…..it came out of no where for me

boy_kissing_girl.jpg image by 14thtarget

the only thing is….. he is a Atheist…….

i remember talking to him and having him ask me “tell me you don’t believe in “God””

i smiled and said i do ….. with a strange look on his face he asked why in disbelief …..

i smile as he continue his story of when he was younger and went to church with his pregnant  girlfriend (soon to be wife then ex-wife) and how he sat as he heard pastors of this church tell him tha his child was a evil mistake and that he was going to hell for what he did along with his child………..

i dont know why i’m writing about it…i just i am …….

it really sucks that happen to him and i told that the people that i call my family would never do that (well i hope)…..

so he begin to ask me about my life style and why i choose to stay a virgin, why i was a intern, and again why i believed in Adam and Eve being where a came from ……………

so i told him well when i was young i tried to kill my self and should have worked..but it didnt

and the last thing i remember was praying to a God i wanted to know but didnt…. and how he answered and keep alive…..

he smile while i went on with my life story and why i chose to stay a virgin and as i going through my thought process i realize that i dont know what i’m waiting for anymore i’m just waiting ….

because even in my disbelief i still believe i should wait

and the end of it all he look at me as if he could read my heart and knew my relationship with God was real so real to me…..

even in my valley of darkness he knew i knew that the GOD in my life isnt going anywhere……

so yes i like an Atheist and you can say what you want cause we all know your going to!

well i dont know where i’m going with this i was getting out of my head and on to somethings free!

i am weak but he makes me strong!

so i had a hard choice to make today …

i had begun to forget that making the right choices in life sometime hurts in the worse  ways…. in or after that moment i’m sure i’m going to tihnk that choosing the wrong would have been so much better …..lol

man i miss the feeling of holy spirit accountablity where i know that it will sucks finding out the consequence of my action but know that i stood in my weakness when i could have fell

and in mist of it all ……. i know HE loves

its going to cost me almost 1200 dollars, but at least i have peace knowing that i did the right thing!

smile for i’m a free child of God in HIS love!

so i will stand and say yes sir i did it with this face in mind! lol

new jeans, saying goodbye, and walking in faith

this has been……. by far the most craziest couple of weeks i’ve ever experience

to start my phone get turned off…..i get into alot of debt by it…..i cant talk to my parents and everytime my parents try and help me out they get hit wit a set back so the cant……

my MY MYy my youth pastor was let go off is job because doesnt have money……..

i dont understand and…….and you name it my truck starts to fall apart in every way possible …..

but i must say today was a great start and finish ……………..

to start i went to cash my check  to get some money then to go to wrk and get more money that i won from a contest…… i walk and i ask a friend if anyona has bought the jeans i want they say no i say great then i hid all of the ones i want to buy so i can when i get money……after that i find out that i get a free pair of jeans from lucky …..and there not just your cheap one either really nice pair of light wash luckys is what i go with …..i’m then asked if i would like to wrk a few more hrs so my friend can go home she had a long day ……it truely was …..so after that i go get a cookie and some soda to hold me over until 3 when i’m off ………

i get off at 3 go to the church to ask morris if he needs some help with a power point he said no i ens up helping him find a great picture so he can do his PP(powerpoint) then i do what i do best…..go talk to everyone i can see ……after that i go get something to eat come back for pre service prayer ….service starts ……..everyone says there last goodbyes to BEN and HOLLY ……..i am part of the few who say til the end when ben locks the door for the last time a MY YOUTH PASTOR ….you can see this look on his face that says ok well i’m met the end of this journey and at times i wish i could have done more ….but really he did just great …i watch him come to his van i look at him it was still my youth pastor i love him and his WIFE so much truely ……..we goodbyes so they can get there kids home…….

i get into my truck with kim so i can drive her around to her car we start talking about life……still talk as i go get gas and sing songs i use to scream in my truck as a first yr……then we get back talk about life alittle more and cani just say that she is doing so good with her watch with GOD is real to her and she wants so much from this life you can see it in her eyes ……..after we say our goodbyes and start heading home………….

this is where i find my greatest moment with GOD……….

yes yes yes you guessed it …….i’m right before the exit off of countyline and my tire gives right out on me…..i at a every slow pace drive my truck off the exit park it right in front of off broadway shoe store ……find my yellow bag throw my wallet in it get one the the sweat on the other side of me put it on and say “well i guess i’m walking”……and that i do ……i walk be my self all the way to lincoln…where pretty much anyone reads this part will find me crazy ……….yeah it happens the car that stops for you and in that moment ever yscary movie sceen comes right now……you hope its a woman but really its a man ……he see that i’m so tired and that maybe i dont quit look like the walking type ……ask if i need help and offers to give me a ride ………….your wanting to let you what i did and i dont know if its what you think…………

i get in because i feel completely at peace i know at this point the GOD is with me and has been talking to me for the past 30 minutes ……..he give me ride home while asking questions about me where i’m going to school and what i want to do with my life and most of all why in the HELL AM I WALKING TO LATE….i tell my doesnt work and my truck tire just blew …… he drops me off and i say thank you …….go up the stairs and start  typing this ……

at the end of this night i left with one thing trust GOD because doing anything else is to dangerious i could have gotten so pist off when i heard my tire and start cussing and yelling like the last time but i wasn’t bitter at all …i know suprise suprise……i was with joy cause nothing that happen will change who my GOD is to me and most of all even when life is at what you see with yourselfish eyes at is worse you still have so much more to be thank for of ….and thank you thomas ……..you gave me a simple blessing and i wll pray that you are blessed from it on time……..

well …..heres another moment of my life……..i love you GOD thank you so much….

cArR!e

in the silience …..trension grows……if you let it….

there are so any thing i’m not ok with……..

but is so few i have control over, i cant change or save anyones life i can just be there we it all falls down………….i’ve made peace with ben leaving but……

change is already here but i don’t think i’m quit ready for it………

just a few more minutes here!…………………….my heart is hurting

that i can change, its just involves me letting go of fear, and being anger at anger and not people…..

i’m listening to this song that says i am new, and i just thought that just because i’m a new doesnt mean i don’t hurt,………

sometimes i sit to myself thinking why does it feel i like i was sitting in the dark trying so hard to not fotget what YOU told me in the light in this misty sea of blacken despair….just darkness was all i knew……and now someone has come turned on the light ……………….

my heart is ponding, my mind is racing and…”WHY”…..is all i can say……..i feel my heart hasnt really settled into the new surounding but there always tomorrow and God …..some way of making me smile kissing me on the forhead and reminding me that silience will get the best of me in every trial i go through if i let…so no long i just of that i voice love and not flesh….. you know?

cArR!e

 

in the middle is not where i want to be……more to the left

so…..so far i’ve learned that bluntness isn’t always truth ……it’s mostly cold mean word that are ment to hurt a persons soul and heart……

truth sometimes is so hard to chew on, it doesnt always taste good at alll…….when your on a strick diet of selfish indulgence

and trying to alway help and protect the people you love the most and want to fly the highest….can sometime hurt them and you more then anything…..

sticking out through bad choices AND NOT SAYING I TOLD YOU SO ………is out of our selfish fleshly character……pleases God more then anything

MOST OF ALL PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS FAIL,DIASPOINT,AND NOT MEET SOME EXPECTATIONS IN LIFE YOU HAVE PLACED ON THEM…… there human just like me…..

so with all my new information where do i put it and will i use it or just judge people by it …when really i’m just judging myself……ohh that one hurt….

in the kidney….welll i feel unexcited about growong up again!….i chose toys R US!…..

cArR!e

brain cells, or liver you choose?

well my roomie and i were having a heart to heart talking about how life suck and  thing just aren’t really going well at all this month, you know letting out about family thing and life thing and dealing with ppl you love leaving things………………..

and so in the mist of all of this she picks up the lighter that is on our really rad purple coffee table and light it then blow’s it out  then start messing the gas now at this point i’m looking her like you crazy girl ……”put that down!…”i said……. she giggles then try and lights me on fire!………

what is happening!……..and now as she talking to the other roomate she is smelling  the lighter!……brain cellls hello!……

PEOPLE!…….WE HAVE LOST IT !<<<<<<…….

so here it goes!…………..

today I’ve done nothing but not think about it at all…..

and in not thinking i’ve found alot about myself …..

i’ve notice that I’m really close to being anger at some of the dumbest thing, or about thing ppl do that don’t really effect me, or if they do i say whateva it wasn’t mean to be so I’m over it!…..

like i’ve been letting one of the closet relationships i have drift so far gone that even i lost hope for fight for it that even now it’s going to take so much to keep it…………….

and in keeping i need to remember that it’s more then worth it you know?…….

cause i would be choosing to letting go off history but also family ………………

in times like these i need to know and remember where to whom i belong and that right here in catalyst cause it was my GOD has planted me to grow!……. there pretty much only a few hrs left to go so GOD PLEASE BE WITH ME …….

i dont was to just get over it so when other need i can be there for them but lose me self…..

but i want to process, except, heal, confront, and be open, feel every emotion and not be controlled…. but most off all remember that my plans are so little compared to HIS you know…….

today i’m ok because i have to be, it doesn’t just effect me but everyone i love!

far as tomorrow…well i just yet until i’m there….

cArR!e

clOsEr………………

i need to come so close in these next few weeks that i am consumed with HIM ……………i want my sweat to have HIM in it…………… today is a better day …….i’m still at peace and happy at this moment ……. but the next will change so i hope i’m ready for it……….

everything that i know is about to change and the question is what am i going to do with the opportunity that is given to me?

” we are giving trial not to ask our GOD where he is at, and what is he going to do…….but you ask our character”

i hope that charater is of my DAD since I AM MY BELOVES…….AND HE IS MINE!…….

i love you GOD, but right now i’m so mad and confuse i dont know how to talk to you the same as yesterday so forgive me and stay with me alittle longer!

wHat haPpEnS iN vEgAs

so right now at this moment everything i though i could always say would be stable and never change was pulled right from underneath me…………..

i dont know where to say what i really feel and even now i cant…….but i wish i would never let ppl in cause it always suck when the cards you were delt are bad!……

today all i heard was talking to GOD and you know i did and most i ask questions on why he’s doing the more he would………..say nothing why does it feel so empty in my mind?

why cant i make since of all of this …..i want to feel so angry right now but i cant i have peace and its cause me to feel and i hate it!…/………..where to now cause i need to know to whom do i belong …..everyone is exiting either by choice or not………….at least i got away for a few moments thanks what happens in veGas good movie  -cArR!e 

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