Capital hAyEs

Its funny how even though i’m in a bad place in my relationship with God i still dont need a reason to believe in him other then i just DO……….

so i meet someone amazing…..it came out of no where for me

the only thing is….. he is a Atheist…….

i remember talking to him and having him ask me “tell me you don’t believe in “God”"

i smiled and said i do ….. with a strange look on his face he asked why in disbelief …..

i smile as he continue his story of when he was younger and went to church with his pregnant  girlfriend (soon to be wife then ex-wife) and how he sat as he heard pastors of this church tell him tha his child was a evil mistake and that he was going to hell for what he did along with his child………..

i dont know why i’m writing about it…i just i am …….

it really sucks that happen to him and i told that the people that i call my family would never do that (well i hope)…..

so he begin to ask me about my life style and why i choose to stay a virgin, why i was a intern, and again why i believed in Adam and Eve being where a came from ……………

so i told him well when i was young i tried to kill my self and should have worked..but it didnt

and the last thing i remember was praying to a God i wanted to know but didnt…. and how he answered and keep alive…..

he smile while i went on with my life story and why i chose to stay a virgin and as i going through my thought process i realize that i dont know what i’m waiting for anymore i’m just waiting ….

because even in my disbelief i still believe i should wait

and the end of it all he look at me as if he could read my heart and knew my relationship with God was real so real to me…..

even in my valley of darkness he knew i knew that the GOD in my life isnt going anywhere……

so yes i like an Atheist and you can say what you want cause we all know your going to!

well i dont know where i’m going with this i was getting out of my head and on to somethings free!

there are so any thing i’m not ok with……..

but is so few i have control over, i cant change or save anyones life i can just be there we it all falls down………….i’ve made peace with ben leaving but……

change is already here but i don’t think i’m quit ready for it………

just a few more minutes here!…………………….my heart is hurting

that i can change, its just involves me letting go of fear, and being anger at anger and not people…..

i’m listening to this song that says i am new, and i just thought that just because i’m a new doesnt mean i don’t hurt,………

sometimes i sit to myself thinking why does it feel i like i was sitting in the dark trying so hard to not fotget what YOU told me in the light in this misty sea of blacken despair….just darkness was all i knew……and now someone has come turned on the light ……………….

my heart is ponding, my mind is racing and…”WHY”…..is all i can say……..i feel my heart hasnt really settled into the new surounding but there always tomorrow and God …..some way of making me smile kissing me on the forhead and reminding me that silience will get the best of me in every trial i go through if i let…so no long i just of that i voice love and not flesh….. you know?

cArR!e